This is my story, as it can be told so far. Every day I ask, What will the crisis be today? Indulge me as I ask the questions and constantly search for the answers of what I can or should do as a custodial stepmother of a very troubled teenager.

One July afternoon I made the decision. The man my heart had cried for, yet runaway from for two years, suggested that we get away for the weekend. In the flick of an eye, I said all right. I had no idea just how much that precious weekend would change my life.

From the time I met Steve I knew that he had custody of his teenage son. I also knew that there had been serious problems that required intensive counceling. I suppose, if the truth be known, that is one of the main reasons that I ran away from Steve for so long. I had been through a really bad marriage and even worse divorce. I was going through my own readjustment to life.

Steve and I dated off and on during those two years, but it was not until that weekend that we both shared our own secret fears and hopes about each other. When that internal flame of love truly ignites in one's heart, the feeling of-- I can conquer anything!-- seems to come with it. I admit, that feeling was overwhelming for me.

A sense of urgency to make up for all of the lost time filled the weeks that followed. Just as it is with youngsters in love, Steve and I could hardly wait for the time that we could be together again. By October, we saw no reason to continue supporting two households. Steve's time with me was taking time away from his son, Jeff. I moved in with them. It was the home that they had been in since Jeff was a small boy. I tried to make it my home as well, but I was warned by the professionals not to make major changes too quickly, lest there be a build up of resentment on Jeff's part. I followed their instructions, unaware that it would affect my own feeling of belonging.

Within a week of my move into the home, Jeff was arrested at school on drug possession charges. Less than a week later, he was again arrested. This time for trespassing and arson while he and some buddies cut school. I was called to come be with him at the police station. I cannot explain the feelings that came into me when I saw him handcuffed and placed into the patrol car. All I could think of was I needed Steve to be there, but then I didn't want him to have to see his son this way. The course my life had taken prior to this time had not prepared me for any of this. All I could think to do was to keep myself calm and urge Jeff to be cooperative with the police. I tried to be supportive, and I really think I was. However, my anger grew as I saw his lies spill out and change while talking to the detectives. I kept asking myself, What am I supposed to do here? I know he is lying, but I cannot betray his trust...can I? Quietly, I held my anger and confusion. I waited for Steve to arrive in order that Jeff might be released. On my ride home alone, I cried. I felt lost, scared, and totally unequipped to handle any of this. However, my love for Steve let me know I had to try.

I hoped that I had been through my trial by fire. Surely there wasn't anything worse that could happen. Jeff's tears flowed during our family discussion of the problems. My heart ached at the fear he must be experiencing. As is my way, I softened and wanted to do nothing more than to make everything all right for this troubled child.

Structure. Every professional that I have ever talked to has talked about structure being a necessity for children. Jeff had never really had any. I set out on a quest to give that to him while at the same time being there for him when he needed to talk. I devised a chore responsibility chart for him. That was followed by a daily time schedule where he knew exactly what he should be doing at any given time during the day. For a boy that had not truly been off of restriction for years, this gave him things to fill his time.

In the drug rehabilitation counceling that he attended he seemed to do well. There were a lot of things that disturbed me that came out of the family sessions, but I tried not to dwell on them. I was applauded for my efforts, but I still felt as though I was falling short. Jeff's lies and sneaky behavior continued. For the longest time I tried to hide the growing anger and frustration.

I poured myself into the plans for our May wedding. Desperately, I ignored the red flags that constantly came up concerning Jeff. Even with the counceling, he continued to adhere to the patterns that kept him on restriction. His grades in school showed some improvement, but were still failing. January brought the hearing on expulsion from school stemming from the drug possession charges. With politeness, charm, and promises to stay out of trouble, Jeff was allowed to stay in school on probation. Less than a month later, he was expelled for cutting class. There was no choice, Jeff needed more than just counceling. He was hospitalized for more intensive help.

By this time, I was questioning a lot of the decisions that I had made. I was an outsider in the home I was trying to make. No matter what I did to make it feel more like home, it didn't. Paint and wallpaper couldn't cover the underlying currents of resentment. I resented feeling like the outsider. Jeff resented me being here and taking up time with his Dad. I am only left to wonder about the changes that I had made in the other areas. Steve began to resent my dealings with Jeff. His anger centered more on what he saw as harsh and unfair discipline with Jeff on my part rather than the problems that called for the discipline. As Steve got more angry with me, he withdrew more and more into his computer. There was even the question of whether or not we should even get married. It seemed as hard as I tried to make everything all right, I was resented for my attempts. As a result, I withdrew. I stopped trying to dress up the house. I tabled the plans that I had been working on for the wedding. I found myself in the midst of a deep and dark depression. Fearing that any day I would find myself looking for another place to live and loosing the hopes that I had formed for a bright future.

Sadly, the days seemed long and unforgiving as each one brought another stress filled conversation on behavior, grades, or whatever the crisis for the day was. With Jeff no longer in school, I was responsible for him twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I followed Steve's request that he work around the house during the hours that he should have been in school. I suppose that I thought that it would be easy to have him take care of all of those little things that I couldn't.

Preparing flower beds, moving debris in the backyard, and so on should have been fairly clear cut. I was wrong. As long as I stayed right there with him, and kept him on task, everything was fine. When I would come inside to take care of the work that I needed to do, he stopped. I heard moans and groans about boredom and the heat. I couldn't tell Steve, but I had taken just about all I could. Fortunately, Jeff's Mom decided that she would take him for a while.

In Jeff's absence, Steve and I were able to take fresh look at our relationship. We were able to see that we did love each other tremendously and that the wedding should go on. Frantically, I put together the wedding plans with the help of wonderful friends and Steve's family. On a bright and beautiful May morning we were united. I was filled again with hopes for a wonderful future. What I didn't know, was that the depression that I had been in was still just under the surface.

We returned from our honeymoon trip to Florida, and Jeff returned to us as well. His return brought back all of the stress and resentment that had been there. Nothing had changed. In fact, it was probably worse due in part to my feeling of being overwhelmed by it all and my medication dosage for a heart condition being too high. In early June, I was the one being hospitalized for over two weeks. Changes had to be made, but where? I felt as though I was the problem. If I hadn't come into their lives, they would have been fine. The feeling of not belonging and being in the way intensified.

Steve decided that he would let Jeff work with him on the construction crew that summer rather than trying to have me keep him busy at home. While the 'little rule breakers' continued at home, Jeff did very well working with his Dad. Oh, he complained about sore muscles and blisters, but I really believe that he enjoyed it. Still, Jeff would do things that he knew would get to me. Things that he wouldn't let Steve see or hear. I choose to keep these things to myself, but my irritation began to show anyway. I began to hate being in the same room with Jeff. I didn't even want to speak to him. His lies overshadowed any truth he may have told. When he would tell one of his tales, I wanted to scream 'Liar'. Instead I tried to reason with him, still hoping.

I was told that I needed to talk with Jeff rather than stay on his case. I wish I had a dollar for every time I talked with him and his tears softened my heart. His boyish charms made me feel guilty for the anger I felt inside. So many times I believed his professions of remorse. So many times I held him while we both cried. After I was able to see the pattern of it all, I was firm in my position that he was not going to pull me into his games anymore. My tone and attitude changed with him. Steve and I had more and more arguments about Jeff. All of our talks together turned into talks about Jeff. There were no more of the loving chats about feelings and hopes. It was all anger and resentment. Our home was in shambles.

One moment of hope arrived with the news that Jeff would be able to return to school and would not be held back a grade. He was entering high school. A new beginning. I prayed that this was what we all needed, but especially Jeff. My prayers were short lived. Before he had been in school a week he had been cited for class disruption and was to serve detention. He didn't tell us. He lied about it. He did not serve the detention and ended up suspended. Once again, however, I tried to fix things. I called the school to see if there was any way that he could serve the original detention. The school principle was gracious and allowed that to take place. It wasn't long though, until Jeff was back cutting class, lying, and failing his classes.

I had been so hurt by this young man. However, I was not ready for the series of events that came. Walls had been built by all three of us. I had seen Steve's wall towards me grow to major proportions. Our arguments escalated. There was even talk of divorce. I didn't really realize how profound an effect that Jeff had on my relationship with my husband until Jeff went to him after lying about cutting classes. Jeff told his dad that the reason he didn't tell the truth was because he feared MY anger. I then knew what the game plan was. He wanted me gone. I hoped against hope that Steve would see it, too. He didn't. I was afraid to even breathe for fear it would be seen as something it wasn't. Wrought with fear, anger, anguish, and frustration, I sat and waited. I waited for the next crisis to come. Praying that the next time wouldn't mean the end of my marriage to the man I loved with all of my heart.

Finally we received the order to appear in court on Jeff's trespassing and arson charges. It was tense in the time leading to the court date. None of us knew what was going to happen. We could hope for probation, but the other boys involved had all gone into the state correctional system. I watched Steve hold in his fears for the future of his son. I saw in him a love that I have seen few men feel for their offspring. I also saw the questions that he was asking himself about how he may have contributed to his son's behavior. My heart ached for him, but he refused to let me in close enough to show him that I wanted to help.

Jeff, on the other hand, preceded his court appearance with a major infraction of house rules as well as the law. All dealing with lying, alcohol, theft, and sneaking out of the house at night. Was it a final act of defiance in his mind, or Custer's last stand? I wish I knew. He had become so self-destructive I'm not sure that he even knew what he was doing. Fortunately, Steve and I had agreed to stop discussing Jeff on the scale that we had been. We tried to have light conversations between us. It worked...some. I still knew that if things continued, I was on borrowed time. I tried my best to temper what I said to Jeff, which had become very little.

In all that had happened in that year, Jeff had not had to pay any major prices for his actions. If the truth be known, he was quite lucky that things went as easily for him as they did. There always seemed to be a silver lining before him, if he would just take hold of the opportunity that he was given. A year, almost to the day of the incident with cutting class and the fire, Jeff stood before the judge to answer for his actions. He looked so scared sitting there alone with his attorney at the table ahead of us. Jeff's Mom, Steve and myself sat hand in hand quietly listening to the charges being read and the judge openly reprimanding this young man. You could almost hear the silence as the judge asked the three of us if we had anything that we would like to say prior to the sentencing. I wanted to stand up and tell him how things really were with Jeff. I wanted to let him know just how hard Steve had worked to give Jeff everything. I wanted to ask him what I should or could do to make things better. My mind and heart screamed from within me. Help us, your honor, Please! But, there was only the silence in the courtroom.

Jeff was placed on an indefinite probation. It includes a 7pm parental supervision curfew for not less than one year, drug and alcohol rehabilitation, community service, counseling for the family, and normal school attendance and proper behavior. He got lucky, again. He was given another chance to go forward and learn from his mistakes. With tear-filled eyes, he sat at the dining room table and talked with his mom, dad, and me afterwards. He spoke of his fear and how he wanted to do the right things. All three of us tried to reach him. We hoped he was just scared enough.

Unfortunately, the pattern continued. This time, however, the results were different. The pattern was broken, in a way. Jeff ended up telling one too many lies to Steve. His boyish tears and sincere sounding proclamations reached in and took hold of Steve's heart when he felt that his son had been wronged by school reports of suspension that came in the mail. We had heard nothing about these discipline problems at school. Some had even taken place the day after the court appearance.

Steve asked me to call the school the next day to have it all clarified and he proceeded to have a heart to heart talk with his son. Steve came away from the talk feeling as though he had really gained some ground with Jeff. The next day we found that all Jeff had said was one huge lie. Steve was devastated. The truth of it all hit him with the force of a tidal wave.

I watched as he crumpled into tears of his own. I don't think I truly understood the magnitude of it all until I heard him call Jeff's mom and tell her to come get him. He had fought so hard to keep Jeff and to help him overcome his troubles. In an instant, my pain and anger was not important. Someone I love was in the depths of despair and agony.

Now it is just Steve and myself here in our home. Our evenings are quiet and easy. We have returned to having those wonderful conversations that brought so close together in the first place. Slowly I am beginning to feel as though I do belong here. We both smile at each other and at times we are even playful. Yet, somehow I am still left with the secret fear that I had something to do with all that happened. I still question whether or not I actually caused things to happen the way they did. If I had just kept on running, would Jeff and Steve have experienced so much trouble? Did my lack of experience with such matters prevent me from handling things properly? I suppose that I'll never know the answers. I know that I did the very best that I could with Jeff. I love him like he was one of my own children. I feel so guilty when I have to admit that I just don't like his actions. I pray that one day he will reach an understanding within himself and make the necessary changes. I can only try to heal the wounds that are still so fresh in me, and hope.

Jan Setzer is Geocities Athens/Acropolis Community Leader-Aphrodite and author of: 'Tiffany's Writings' and 'Web Weavers'. She is also a member of HTML Writer's Guild-List Guide HWG-Design.